Again

Again I don't feel like doing anything. The whole day today I've been trying to motivate myself to do something, anything. I have cleaning I can do in the house, laundry that needs to be folded and put away. Heck, I'm not even dressed yet! I have an hour and a half before I need to leave to go get Joe from school. I need to accomplish something, and yet I have no desire to. I'm just not motivated in the least. I feel like taking a nap! I've got to do something, but if that past is any indicator I'll probably wait until like ten minutes before I have to leave, then I'll rush to become presentable to go out in public, but still not feel like doing anything.

Ranting and Raving

Lots of different emotions are going on inside of me today. Had a little bit of a rough start to the day trying to get Joe off to school on time. Then came home and found out one of my friends from Bible school lost her father, and another friend was having a bad day. I have a tendency to take on everybody else's emotions and sometimes it gets to me. This has been happening the last few months so I'm sure that it has something to do with my hormones. It doesn't help that my stomach is bothering my today which makes me just want to lay on the bed and not do anything all day. But, alas, I have too much to do today. Going to finish doing what I need to do on the computer, have some lunch with Christopher and Nathan, then get to folding the 1000 loads (ok, I'm exaggerating a little bit) of laundry so my family can actually have clothes to wear in public and not go naked every where. Although I'm sure Nathan would be very happy doing that. :)

And that's my rant for today. :) :) :) :)

What to Do?

One of my secret joys in life is writing. I have written literally since I was little. Mainly poems, but when I was twelve I was inspired by Nancy Drew to write a mystery novel. I got two chapters in before it somehow got erased on my parents’ ancient computer. I wouldn’t say that I am a true writer though, because I’ve never had any formal classes on the subject, and, unlike a true author, I must be inspired to write. When inspiration hits me I stop whatever I’m doing and write down my thoughts. If I’m not around paper I keep repeating my thoughts in my head until I can get somewhere that I can write it down. Then I go through and scratch out and move stuff around until I’m satisfied with how it reads. So, for every poem I’ve written there is a scrap piece of paper that has tons of markings on it, and, believe it or not, I keep those. I don’t know why, it’s not like anybody ever sees them, I guess I just like to refer back to them from time to time.

I’ve been mulling over the idea of starting a blog for over a year. I have asked several people and they say that I would be good at writing a blog. But then the thought of writing a book pops into my head and I can’t decide. Blog or book? Book or blog? But the question for both is “What will I write about?” I could write about my kids. They’re always good for lots of stories. I could write about my husband. Although he would probably prefer I don’t. I could write about my struggles from day to day life. Well, let’s face it though, that would be more of a novel. I could write about my struggles as a Christian. Although that is very personal.

So, I’m still at square one. Not exactly sure where to begin. What do I write about? Guess, I’ll have to mull this over for a little bit more before I go public with a new blog.

An Awesome Woman!

No, I'm not talking about myself with this title. I am, however, talking about someone that is very dear to me.

This week I have been really missing my family. I don't know if it's hormones, or that since I've had this cold for almost two weeks my emotions are heightened, or that Nathan is waking up earlier so I'm getting less sleep. Either way, every time I think of my siblings, parents, nieces and nephew I feel like crying because I want to give them a big hug. I've gotten to see my parents once and Vicki once since Christmas but that was over two months ago now.

I was going to try to go down to Sarah's house last week when Joe had a couple of days off of school, but my cold and the weather were bad that day, so I didn't. Joe has a day off from school on the 16th, so we're going to go down that day and hang out with Sarah and the kids and go out to The Root Beer stand for lunch.

However, today I got an e-mail from someone saying how homesick she was. Now, this wasn't a kid that had gone off to college and was missing their mommy and daddy. Or a person that had moved to a different state. This was someone who had moved LITERALLY across the world! And she was feeling guilty for not wanting to be their anymore. She was sick of the different (and loud) music, of the language classes and not being home. So here I am, and hour and a half away from my family and I'm crying because I haven't seen them in two months. She, on the other hand, is thousands of miles away from her family and is feeling guilty about it?

Today, instead of crying about how much I'm missing my family I'm going to thank God for them and pray for my friend that is not wanting to be amongst a culture she isn't familiar with. And thank God that she is willing to make herself uncomfortable for a moment her on earth to make sure that someone whom she's never met will be able to spend an eternity in heaven. What an awesome woman I am privileged to know! :)

Feeling Good

Since Sunday I have been dealing with a cold. Really it's not that much to deal with, but when you add on a couple of kids on top of it, suddenly house chores don't really seem that important. Yesterday, Joe was having a friend over to play after school. Suddenly I saw my house as this huge hoarded mess. (It probably didn't help that I had watched Hoarders.) I pictured the kid coming over and going home and telling his mom how thankful he was that he lived in a clean house after being here. When in reality, he's five years old. I don't think he even noticed that I had cleaned Joe's room or swept my bedroom. Why do I put so much pressure on myself?

Ironically though, after I got started, I wanted to keep going. The truth is I like a clean house. I like to not have to worry if somebody is going to just "pop in" because I have stuff everywhere. Last night I felt good about what I had accomplished. I wasn't overly tired, I just felt good. Unfortunately, I am a COMPULSIVE procrastinator. So, slowly, I am getting in my groove of cleaning the house. Even got some stuff mopped. :) Maybe in a few years my house will be clean all of the time! Ha Ha :) :) :)

To do or not to do?

So, the past few months a lot of my friends have been coming out with blogs. And I think, I could do that! I could write down my thoughts. And I do, all the time. I actually enjoy doing that, and have enjoyed doing that my whole life. It is a way of helping me relieve my tension and getting all of my thoughts out before they eat me up inside. It's actually why I created this blog. But, I am hesitant to put it out there for everyone to read because I am afraid of what they would think of my true person. The one that gets pissed when her IC is bothering her, the one that says "pissed" :), the one who struggles with anger and making reading her Bible a priority. The one that feels bad when she hurts the people she loves. The one that is.......human. Maybe this feeling of wanting to write a blog is God's way of telling me that I need to not worry about what people would think about what I write. To just put it out there and hope and pray that it will be of some value to somebody.

This Human Body

Ever since I was a teenager I have struggled with sore knees. The adults that I talked to attributed it to "growing pains", but seeing as how I was fifteen or sixteen I knew that wasn't right. Went to the doctor and she said it was probably a partially torn ligament, but without and x-ray we couldn't know for sure. Since my parents didn't have insurance, and I could still walk, we never did anything about it. Looking back, I wish I had pushed a little harder to figure out what was wrong, but seeing as how I was only a teenager I understand why I didn't. I just left it up to my parents and trusted that they knew best. I'm not blaming them, hey with three other kids it's not like we had a whole lot of extra money to just through at things that might be of concern.

With that being said every once in a while when I haven't gotten enough sleep or when the weather drastically changes my knees get sore and it feels like my knee (mainly my right one) swells up to the size of a grapefruit. So, Sunday my knee started feeling sore again, but I just attributed it to the fact that it all of sudden got cold and it was raining outside. Now we're on Tuesday and I can hardly walk! It feels like whatever tendon in my knee was partially torn is tearing again. Every time I take a step I get a huge pain in my knee and I am left trying to figure out ways to try and walk and go up stairs and carry Nathan and take the dog outside! without hurting it more.

I talked to Christopher (who just got done with knee surgery in September!) about it and we decided to wait until this next Monday to see if the pain goes away or if it gets worse. I'm not worried about today and tomorrow because even though the pain is bad it's bearable and it's a very nice day outside today and is supposed to be again tomorrow. So I don't have to worry about the pressure change adding on any additional pain. What I am worried about is that on Thursday it's supposed to get cold again and is going to be raining most of the day. I hope I'll be able to walk!

I don't want to have surgery for a couple of reasons. 1.) Christopher is not completely healed from his yet, and we can't have both parents incapable of catching the boys! 2.) The holidays are coming up and I wouldn't be able to hang out with people like I like to. 3.) The stress of not having family around and trying to get Joe to school and have somebody be able to watch Nathan.

It's not that the thought of surgery scares me, 'cause it doesn't, it's just that I hope that there is a way that this can be fixed without having to address the above problems. Maybe by exercising I could make my knee stronger and then the cold days and sudden weather changes wouldn't be so bothersome.

I guess for right now I'm just in the waiting zone. Waiting to see if the pain continues through Monday and then waiting to see what the doctor says if it does.

Hopefully through all of this I'll continue to right on here and continue to lean of God and put my trust in Him.