I feel right now like I don't know what I'm feeling. So many different emotions and I don't know what to do. I don't even know where to begin.

First I feel guilty. Why am I over here in America being blessed having been a Christian for almost 20 years now? We just watched the video of Ee-Taow last night in Flocks and it just boggles my mind at the way the people rejoiced for hours on end when they realized that God had taken away their sins. It just makes me want to cry thinking about how I want so bad to be a missionary and I can't because this earthly body keeps getting in the way. I keep racking up all this medical debt because all of this stuff is going wrong with me. People keep telling me that God's timing is perfect, and I know that it is, but right now my hummaness is wondering what God's plan could possible be in keeping us here away from training to be reaching people for Him?

Am I not ready for that?! Well, of course not! I don't think that I'll ever think that I am ready for that. And isn't that the point? Not that I think I can do it, but that Christ can do it through me? It's frustraing when I read all of my friends websites saying that they are in the training that I want to be in, or on the field already. Sometimes I have to fight off feelings of resentment towards them because I'm still stuck here in Winona Lake. Although, I have learned recently that I am not going to limit God by saying that I don't want to go into a jungle work. And just that I need to be willing to do whatever God has for me and let Him shut the door wherever He sees fit.

And I'm just so tired of being sick. For almost two weeks now I've had a cold. And I know that that is small potatoes compared to my endo, but just having it be everyday is draining. And also, Joe has not been sleeping well either. He hasn't been taking his naps during the day, and when he does go down it's an hour and a half of me going in there and telling him to stop talking waiting a few minutes and then going in a again. And especially with Christopher doing all of his soccer stuff all of the time I'm feeling like I'm not getting a break to get better. And of course, when I tell Chris this he responds with "Well, why don't I stay home and you go to work? " That's not what I want! I love being a mom! It's just that for the first four days of the week I feel like I'm a single mom because he's not home to help me. And then on the weekends that he's got soccer tournaments I have no respite from Joe at all. I love my son! But it's just very emotionally draining to have to watch such an energetic person all of the time. I feel like because I'm so drained all of the time that I have no energy any more to play with Joe during the day. And what energy I do have has to go into keeping the house clean. I feel bad watching Joe play with his toys by himself while I can only sit on the couch.

Maybe if I didn't have the TV on all of the time. I know that I need the noise, but surely there has to be some other way for me to be able to have noise without that. Maybe I don't really need the noise? Maybe it's just something that the devil has talked me into so that I won't be as good of a mother to Joe as I need to be? Hmm...that's an idea. I'm going to try cutting the TV out and see how that goes for a while. What a drastic decision. Actually, it's kind of sad that I'm thinking of that as a drastic decision, huh? Well, sad or not I think that's what I'm going to do.

I just hope that my body doesn't get in the way of what I'm wanting to do to make my family better.

Prayer: Oh God, You know my heart. You know that I am longing to have a heart that beats for you and the lost people that you want to come into your kingdom. I do believe that I am slowly getting there. Please help me to take the steps that I need to to get there while I am here in Winona and not wait until I am in the training with NTM before I do that. Please help me not to limit You, becuase I know that I can do anything with Your strength in me.

I do not want to limited by this earthly body any more. God, give me your endurance and fire to do the things that I know I need to do to be a good wife and mother. Help me to learn, from your word, what those things are and be able to strive to meet them as long as there is a breath in my body.

God, I know that if you help me I can be used gloriously for you. And that is truly what I want. For when people remember me to think " Now, there is a woman of God. She wasn't afraid of what people thought. Only that they saw Christ when they looked at her." God, that is what I want my legacy to be. Help me to achieve it.

Thank you for giving me a husband who wants me to achieve that too. And help me to be able to help him achieve that for himself. God, it is you that I want the glory to go to. You are the one it should go to. Help me surround my people who are keeping me accountable towards that goal. And who will build me up and whom I can build up in return.

God, I love you! Amen!

8-28-2008

Not for anybody else but just for me. I needed this space to just let out my feelings without worrying about how its going to sound to other people. I'm the sort of person who needs to be able to write stuff down. If I don't I feel like I'm going to explode!

Why did I choose that URL? It doesn't make sense now that I think about it. I feel like I'm battling within myself about what I am actually thinking and what my head is telling me I'm thinking. Why do my thoughts go through this filter before they reach the front part of my brain. I mean, its my head why should I worry about saying the wrong thing in my own head?!

I feel like the stuff that I'm worrying about I shouldn't be worried about. It's so trivial compared to what happens to so many other people in the world. I mean there are people out there dying for what they believe in for goodness sakes. And all I can think of is how this stupid stomach problem that I've been dealing with for now going on three months is annoying the crap out of me! And how it's keeping me from having more children. I can't, for the life of me, figure out why God doesn't want us to have more kids. All I want them to do when they're older is give their lives in submission to God. !! I would just like to be able to go on a walk with my family without worrying about if I brought medicine along with me in case the pain starts to get bad.

Side Note: I like typing this on the computer. Maybe I'll copy it into my journal later. But for now my fingers need to go as fast as I can get them to keep up with my brain. And writing it in a journal just isn't fast enough.

I need to figure out how I can get in some quality Bible and praying time. I can't do it at night because I'm to tired for anything to sink in. And I can't do it in the morning because I'm to worn out from being in pain the day before. I would really like to do it in the morning because I really want to have my day starting off with God because I know that is the most beneficial for me and everyone I come in contact with. I need to stop making up lame excuses too. I want to read by myself and pray and also read with Joe, and read as a family at night. I also want to read books too. I used to read so many books when I was younger. I remember going out to the treehouse and just sitting there for an hour reading and meditating. Oh how my soul longs for that again.

Well, the duty of motherhood is calling again as Joe is up from his nap. How I wish I could just have one day to go to sleep when I want, wake up when I want, take a shower, eat breakfast, and read as much as I want when/where I want. Oh to have one day to just spend focused on God. I think that I really need that. But how do you get that without being selfish? Or is being a little selfish a good thing? Oh goodness, I'm not going to get into that now! Well, off to work........