This Human Body

Ever since I was a teenager I have struggled with sore knees. The adults that I talked to attributed it to "growing pains", but seeing as how I was fifteen or sixteen I knew that wasn't right. Went to the doctor and she said it was probably a partially torn ligament, but without and x-ray we couldn't know for sure. Since my parents didn't have insurance, and I could still walk, we never did anything about it. Looking back, I wish I had pushed a little harder to figure out what was wrong, but seeing as how I was only a teenager I understand why I didn't. I just left it up to my parents and trusted that they knew best. I'm not blaming them, hey with three other kids it's not like we had a whole lot of extra money to just through at things that might be of concern.

With that being said every once in a while when I haven't gotten enough sleep or when the weather drastically changes my knees get sore and it feels like my knee (mainly my right one) swells up to the size of a grapefruit. So, Sunday my knee started feeling sore again, but I just attributed it to the fact that it all of sudden got cold and it was raining outside. Now we're on Tuesday and I can hardly walk! It feels like whatever tendon in my knee was partially torn is tearing again. Every time I take a step I get a huge pain in my knee and I am left trying to figure out ways to try and walk and go up stairs and carry Nathan and take the dog outside! without hurting it more.

I talked to Christopher (who just got done with knee surgery in September!) about it and we decided to wait until this next Monday to see if the pain goes away or if it gets worse. I'm not worried about today and tomorrow because even though the pain is bad it's bearable and it's a very nice day outside today and is supposed to be again tomorrow. So I don't have to worry about the pressure change adding on any additional pain. What I am worried about is that on Thursday it's supposed to get cold again and is going to be raining most of the day. I hope I'll be able to walk!

I don't want to have surgery for a couple of reasons. 1.) Christopher is not completely healed from his yet, and we can't have both parents incapable of catching the boys! 2.) The holidays are coming up and I wouldn't be able to hang out with people like I like to. 3.) The stress of not having family around and trying to get Joe to school and have somebody be able to watch Nathan.

It's not that the thought of surgery scares me, 'cause it doesn't, it's just that I hope that there is a way that this can be fixed without having to address the above problems. Maybe by exercising I could make my knee stronger and then the cold days and sudden weather changes wouldn't be so bothersome.

I guess for right now I'm just in the waiting zone. Waiting to see if the pain continues through Monday and then waiting to see what the doctor says if it does.

Hopefully through all of this I'll continue to right on here and continue to lean of God and put my trust in Him.

So Far.............

So far, so good. Not to sound prideful, but I have been doing really well on reading my Bible on a consistent basis. My goal has been at least every other day, but no longer than three days in between reading. Two Sundays ago, Pastor Dave Schiedel referenced a book (I'm working on finding out the name) that said that Christians should not got longer than three days without reading God's Word. Right now I am in Exodus. It can get a little long in reading when you get to God telling the Israelites all of the laws and feasts He wanted them to have, but as it has been said many times, if it's in the Bible then God must want us to learn something from it.

For example, two days ago I was reading in Exodus 21:22 which deals with restitution for personal injuries, and I discovered that the saying that most people quote for capitol punishment "eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth" doesn't have to do with somebody being murdered at all. In fact, it is talking about what needs to happen if somebody hits a woman who is pregnant and something happens to her or her baby. That just astounded me! I need to talk to Christopher about this because it is mind-blowing.

I'm very thankful that God is renewing this passion in me for reading His word. Actually, I've don't know that aside from a couple of weeks when I would come back from a camp or a missions trip that I've ever wanted to be in the Bible this much. I've always wanted somebody to show me how to do it and nobody ever has. I guess that that is one of my passions. That nobody ever grows up like me. Waiting until they are 27 to figure out the how of reading the Bible. Growing up people always told me why and when I needed to read it, but they never explained to me how to make that part of my daily life. They just said do it.

Thank you, God for showing me how to incorporate Your Word into my life. Please help me to see when somebody needs to glean my wisdom that given me in this area. Please help me to be able when I would be able to help somebody learn how to make you a part of their daily living.

Attacked

Since Saturday I have been having a pretty tough time in the disciplining of Joseph. He has been making it very difficult. Yesterday I was talking with some other moms and learned that they also had had very rough days. I was encouraged that it was not just me and quickly sent up prayers for them that they would have better days the next day. Well, it was not so for me. Nathan has been fine, but Joe's attitude continues to need improvement today. This afternoon it dawns on me. Maybe the reason that we all had "I need my husband here" days was not because our kids had all gotten together and decided that they were going to be rotten to us, but because the devil was making us the focus of his attacks? Was it because I have actually been trying to focus on getting in my Bible reading more often? Or because I actually am having a prayer life now? Maybe it is because the devil knows that it is my children who know best how to push my buttons and get my attitude not in line with what I and God would like it to be? In a weird way it makes me proud that Satan would choose to focus his energy on me. That must mean that I must be doing something right for God or else he would even bother with me. I mean why would he even look in the direction of someone who is just doing whatever the heck they want, and not even bothering to think about what God wants. I just pray that I can keep it up. I'm hoping to go now longer than two days in between Bible readings. I want to be able to hear God talk back to me. And I need to finally get through reading through my whole Bible from beginning to end.

Usually

Usually I use NASB when I am sitting down to do my Bible reading, but today when I went to the Bible site I decided to use the NIV just popped up. Normally, I don't care for this version because I feel like it is very dumbed down. I fell like it is a very good version for new believers or children, but don't feel like it challenges my brain very much. Sort of like reading a Nancy Drew. I'm enjoying it, but the challenge is not coming from the syllables of the words. With that said, today I read Exodus 17:1-7. Again the Israelites are complaining. This time because they don't have water. I'm sure that every Christian at one time or another has heard the stories about the Israelites complaining and has been forced to examine their own lives. This, sadly, has been me today. I have noticed that I (a usually positive person) have been complaining a lot more lately. If somebody does something nice for me I immediately look to see what they did incorrectly. I have even been able to find fault with a plate of chocolate chip cookies given from a neighbor. Chocolate Chip Cookies!!!!! This morning, I was feeling very sorry for myself. Missing all of my friends down in Warsaw. Reminiscing of the time at Noa Noa when my flock girls gave me a goodbye dinner. Remembering how much all of my friends cared for me down there. At the same time wishing I had more friends up here. Telling myself that I'm grateful for the couple of friends I do have (which I am), but at the same time asking God to send me more women I can get to know.

How much different am I from the Israelites then? They were not grateful that God had moved them out of the slavery of Egypt. Instead all they could think about was how they were thirsty now. They didn't remember how God brought them through the Red Sea on dry ground, saving them from Pharaoh and his army. All they could think about was they had a need and they wanted it met. Maybe the reason why there are so many examples of the Israelites complaining is because God knew that we as Christians would need a lot of reminding that God has been and will always be providing for us. He does not want to lead us out into the wilderness just to let us die! We need to trust Him that He is leading us where he wants us, and where it is best for us.

God, please help me to be grateful for where you have me right now. I know that you have surrounded me with great and godly friends who love you as much as I. Let me still be thankful for the friends of my past, but be able to keep my mind on being thankful also for the blessings of the present. I don't want to be ungrateful, for you have given me so much. I am truly blessed! Please help me to focus on that today, and not forget to count my blessings. Amen!

I feel right now like I don't know what I'm feeling. So many different emotions and I don't know what to do. I don't even know where to begin.

First I feel guilty. Why am I over here in America being blessed having been a Christian for almost 20 years now? We just watched the video of Ee-Taow last night in Flocks and it just boggles my mind at the way the people rejoiced for hours on end when they realized that God had taken away their sins. It just makes me want to cry thinking about how I want so bad to be a missionary and I can't because this earthly body keeps getting in the way. I keep racking up all this medical debt because all of this stuff is going wrong with me. People keep telling me that God's timing is perfect, and I know that it is, but right now my hummaness is wondering what God's plan could possible be in keeping us here away from training to be reaching people for Him?

Am I not ready for that?! Well, of course not! I don't think that I'll ever think that I am ready for that. And isn't that the point? Not that I think I can do it, but that Christ can do it through me? It's frustraing when I read all of my friends websites saying that they are in the training that I want to be in, or on the field already. Sometimes I have to fight off feelings of resentment towards them because I'm still stuck here in Winona Lake. Although, I have learned recently that I am not going to limit God by saying that I don't want to go into a jungle work. And just that I need to be willing to do whatever God has for me and let Him shut the door wherever He sees fit.

And I'm just so tired of being sick. For almost two weeks now I've had a cold. And I know that that is small potatoes compared to my endo, but just having it be everyday is draining. And also, Joe has not been sleeping well either. He hasn't been taking his naps during the day, and when he does go down it's an hour and a half of me going in there and telling him to stop talking waiting a few minutes and then going in a again. And especially with Christopher doing all of his soccer stuff all of the time I'm feeling like I'm not getting a break to get better. And of course, when I tell Chris this he responds with "Well, why don't I stay home and you go to work? " That's not what I want! I love being a mom! It's just that for the first four days of the week I feel like I'm a single mom because he's not home to help me. And then on the weekends that he's got soccer tournaments I have no respite from Joe at all. I love my son! But it's just very emotionally draining to have to watch such an energetic person all of the time. I feel like because I'm so drained all of the time that I have no energy any more to play with Joe during the day. And what energy I do have has to go into keeping the house clean. I feel bad watching Joe play with his toys by himself while I can only sit on the couch.

Maybe if I didn't have the TV on all of the time. I know that I need the noise, but surely there has to be some other way for me to be able to have noise without that. Maybe I don't really need the noise? Maybe it's just something that the devil has talked me into so that I won't be as good of a mother to Joe as I need to be? Hmm...that's an idea. I'm going to try cutting the TV out and see how that goes for a while. What a drastic decision. Actually, it's kind of sad that I'm thinking of that as a drastic decision, huh? Well, sad or not I think that's what I'm going to do.

I just hope that my body doesn't get in the way of what I'm wanting to do to make my family better.

Prayer: Oh God, You know my heart. You know that I am longing to have a heart that beats for you and the lost people that you want to come into your kingdom. I do believe that I am slowly getting there. Please help me to take the steps that I need to to get there while I am here in Winona and not wait until I am in the training with NTM before I do that. Please help me not to limit You, becuase I know that I can do anything with Your strength in me.

I do not want to limited by this earthly body any more. God, give me your endurance and fire to do the things that I know I need to do to be a good wife and mother. Help me to learn, from your word, what those things are and be able to strive to meet them as long as there is a breath in my body.

God, I know that if you help me I can be used gloriously for you. And that is truly what I want. For when people remember me to think " Now, there is a woman of God. She wasn't afraid of what people thought. Only that they saw Christ when they looked at her." God, that is what I want my legacy to be. Help me to achieve it.

Thank you for giving me a husband who wants me to achieve that too. And help me to be able to help him achieve that for himself. God, it is you that I want the glory to go to. You are the one it should go to. Help me surround my people who are keeping me accountable towards that goal. And who will build me up and whom I can build up in return.

God, I love you! Amen!

8-28-2008

Not for anybody else but just for me. I needed this space to just let out my feelings without worrying about how its going to sound to other people. I'm the sort of person who needs to be able to write stuff down. If I don't I feel like I'm going to explode!

Why did I choose that URL? It doesn't make sense now that I think about it. I feel like I'm battling within myself about what I am actually thinking and what my head is telling me I'm thinking. Why do my thoughts go through this filter before they reach the front part of my brain. I mean, its my head why should I worry about saying the wrong thing in my own head?!

I feel like the stuff that I'm worrying about I shouldn't be worried about. It's so trivial compared to what happens to so many other people in the world. I mean there are people out there dying for what they believe in for goodness sakes. And all I can think of is how this stupid stomach problem that I've been dealing with for now going on three months is annoying the crap out of me! And how it's keeping me from having more children. I can't, for the life of me, figure out why God doesn't want us to have more kids. All I want them to do when they're older is give their lives in submission to God. !! I would just like to be able to go on a walk with my family without worrying about if I brought medicine along with me in case the pain starts to get bad.

Side Note: I like typing this on the computer. Maybe I'll copy it into my journal later. But for now my fingers need to go as fast as I can get them to keep up with my brain. And writing it in a journal just isn't fast enough.

I need to figure out how I can get in some quality Bible and praying time. I can't do it at night because I'm to tired for anything to sink in. And I can't do it in the morning because I'm to worn out from being in pain the day before. I would really like to do it in the morning because I really want to have my day starting off with God because I know that is the most beneficial for me and everyone I come in contact with. I need to stop making up lame excuses too. I want to read by myself and pray and also read with Joe, and read as a family at night. I also want to read books too. I used to read so many books when I was younger. I remember going out to the treehouse and just sitting there for an hour reading and meditating. Oh how my soul longs for that again.

Well, the duty of motherhood is calling again as Joe is up from his nap. How I wish I could just have one day to go to sleep when I want, wake up when I want, take a shower, eat breakfast, and read as much as I want when/where I want. Oh to have one day to just spend focused on God. I think that I really need that. But how do you get that without being selfish? Or is being a little selfish a good thing? Oh goodness, I'm not going to get into that now! Well, off to work........